If 10 Urban Fantasy Creatures Did Dating Profiles: A Hilarious Peek Inside the Supernatural Dating Game
If 10 Urban Fantasy Creatures Did Dating Profiles: A Hilarious Peek Inside the Supernatural Dating Game
By Neal Martin/ April 29, 2023
Last Updated April 29, 2023
In the world of urban fantasy dating, finding love can be an otherworldly experience. Navigating the supernatural realm of romance is filled with hilarious challenges and enchanting encounters that make swiping right on mortal dating apps seem downright dull.
So buckle up as we explore the top ten most outrageous urban fantasy dating profiles, where sexy vampires and love-struck leprechauns seek their sultry soulmates. And remember, things are about to get R-rated!
1. Undead Cougar on the Prowl for Fresh Meat
“Fangs for fucking, mortals! I’m an undead cougar with 500 years of experience in the sack and a pussy that hasn’t seen the light of day since the Renaissance. I get wet at the sight of jugular veins and my safe word is “sunrise.” I’m on the prowl for fresh meat to squeeze into my memory foam coffin and bang like a screen door in a hurricane. You down with some bloodsucking during foreplay and sleeping the day away in a tangle of limbs?
Garlic and crosses won’t faze this vamp vixen, but wooden stakes are a hard pass, if you catch my drift. I know more ways to make a mortal moan than that sparkly Twilight twat could dream of. You’ll be begging for the sweet release of death by the time I’m done riding you like a Hellhound in heat, but don’t worry, I’ll turn you and make you my undead boy toy so we can continue the naughty nocturnal shenanigans for all eternity!
So ditch the tinder tramps, and swipe right if you crave some fang-bang action from a she-vamp who really knows how to spoil and soil her playthings. The night is young, and so am I…forever! Promise you can keep up, and maybe I’ll make you my immortal concubine. Unless, of course, you’d rather cuddle – but vamps don’t do cutesy, darling. We fuck. Hard.”
2. Pots o’ Gold Not Required—This Wee Lad’s Crock is Fortune Enough!
“Top o’ the muffin to ya, lassies! This wee little leprechaun has a hankering for some human honey to dip his shillelagh in, if ye catch me drift. Gold ain’t the only thing I’m obsessed with—I know how to chase more than just rainbows, darlin’. How ’bout we get pissed on potcheen, dance a jig, then get down and dirty atop me giant gleaming mound o’ gold coins? I may be half yer height but I’ll show ya me magic extends well below me belt. They don’t call it a “leprechaun’s crock of gold” for nothin’!
Yer curiosity piqued yet, ya saucy minxes? This tricky bastard’s got more riddles and charms than ye can shake a four-leaf clover at. I’ll keep ya guessing for ages with me ways of disappearing and reappearing in the blink of an eye. Think ya can handle me silver tongue and nimble wee fingers? Once I bed a fine lass like yerself, I’ll never part from me precious treasure!
So if ye’ve got a taste for gold coins and red hair, come chase this leprechaun lover before he vanishes over the rainbow. I’ll reward ye far better than any silly cereal box prize. May the wind be at yer back and your pint glass never empty, but for now let’s raise a toast to new friends and fill each other’s pots o’ gold, shall we? Erin go Bragh!”
3. Care to Shag Thru the Centuries? Time Twisting Booty Calls from BC to AD and Beyond!
“Greetings, mere fucktoys of flesh! This time-warping wizard is on an inter-dimensional booty call. I’m scouring the centuries for a wanton wench or able-bodied lad to join me for some debauched dimension-hopping shagging.
Fancy a threesome with Caesar and Cleopatra or a Venetian orgy masquerade? We’ll get freaky at the fall of Rome and do the time warp again. Know how to give a proper Renaissance rack attack or interested in space-age sex toy experimentation? Sign on as my temporal concubine—we’ll make the beast with two backs throughout history and warp core kinkiness.
Must have a flexible fashion sense to match flexible morals. Be prepared to drop trou in times medieval or futuristic on a whim. My magic staff aims to please across the ages, so get ready to get weird, wild and thoroughly ruined for mortal partners, darling!
Once you ride this warlock’s wand through the fourth dimension, there’s no going back to mere mortal wands. So if you fancy a tumble with a time-twisting Casanova, grab your adapter and set your chameleon circuits to “slag.” We’ll rewrite the history of everything from the Kama Sutra to space boning. You’ll never have another vanilla mortal match my moves through the millennia! The future is now—in any century you desire. Anywhen anytime, my pet!”
4. Sea Shanty Pirate/Siren Seeks Swashbuckling Seamen for Salty Shenanigans!
“Ahoy, mateys, ready to shiver some timbers? This salty pirate sea siren is on the prowl for a piece of mortal tail to reel in and ride like a tempest-tossed dinghy! Fancy a frolic with a fishy femme fatale in her coral cave love-grotto? This mermaid makes sushi sexy and knows how to blow a ship out of the water, if ye catch my drift.
Strong swimmers hopelessly ensnared by my sea shanty need only apply! I’ll have ye trawling my wet nethers and angling to drop anchor in areas uncharted by any map before ye can say “thar she blows!” If ye think ye can handle scales where it counts and keep up with my undulating hips that don’t stop, swim after this sea mistress before the tide shifts! Trust, once ye sample my briny bounty, ye’ll never look at fish tails or tackle boxes the same again, matey. This merminx makes red tide seem an appetizer!
So, drop sails and man your oars, ye scallywags and scoundrels. Come plunder hidden depths and loot this lusty leviathan’s booty like the scourge of the seven seas ye’ve always longed to be! No minnow I, yea shellbacks—this mercreature’s built to withstand storms and seamen of the saltiest sort. If’n ye dare, catch my hooked hand and let’s sound each other’s fathoms till Neptune himself screams for mercy!
Yo ho, yo ho, an afterlife at sea you’ll go! Now, where did I stash me pirate’s wench?”
5. Moon’s Full, Sacks Too—Mount Up, Willing Meat, This Hound’s On the Prowl!
“Arrrooooo, fleshbags, the moon be full and so’s this mutt’s hairy sack! This beastly wolfman’s sniffing out willing meat to pounce, mount and ravage ’til the dawn. Care to unleash thine animal lusts, sniff each other’s nethers and rut like wolves in season? We’ll bay at the moon, hunt all night and slip into something furry for afterhours yowling sessions the likes of which mortals can only dream in nightmares!
Fleas be damned, once this lycan lover sinks his gnashers into your tender haunch, you’ll never yearn for collar-wearing human gents again! I’ll mark you as my bitch and spoil you with chew toys and scratching posts aplenty. Full moons were made for primal escapades, darling.
So drop to all fours, lift that tail and prepare to get beastly, if you’ve got the mettle for this hellhound’s fettle! I’ll have you howling for a pack of your own soon enough, my pet. coming and going in one beastly blur! There’s not a silver bullet made that can stop this wolf once he’s caught the scent of willing game.
If the fur fits, wear it well and prance for my hungry wolfish gaze, little red! (growls) The thrill of the chase is sweetest when one’s mate plays along. (howls longingly at moon) So come get nasty, nature-style—let’s make the beasts with two backs ’til the break of dawn! (snarls)”
6. Spooky-Ooky Between the Sheets—This Wraith Knows How to Haunt the Honeypots!
“Boo, mortals! This mirthful phantom’s feeling frisky beyond the veil and seeking a special someone to get downright undead with!
Care to get spooky-ooky between tombstones, hold hands through ectoplasm and rattle chains post-coital bliss? We’ll haunt the kinkiest catacombs, get freaky at séances and make the beast with two backs between realms of the living and dead. If you’ve got a lust for life everlasting and aren’t afraid of a little bump and grind with what goes bump in the night, this ghostly Casanova’s your ghoul!
Once you go wraith you’ll never go back! These restless bones know how to rattle em, if you catch my drift! So leave your mortal meatsack at the threshold and come play with my phantom wares, if you dare!
We’ll get randy on the astral plane and make specters of ourselves at all the most deliciously macabre spots. The afterlife’s pleasures needn’t go unexplored, my pet! Move over GF Experience—why settle for mortal posers in sheets when you can have the Real McCoy? This spirit’s yearning to churn more than just butter, sweet cheeks! Our safe word is “exorcism.” (cackles)
Think you’ve got the mettle to handle a roll in the crypt with this wraith? Come get ghostly, baby! We’ll spook you silly and leave ectoplasm everywhere MUAHAHA!! (ominous organ music)”
7. Braaaains and Booty—This Revenant Romeo’s Appetites Can’t Be Satisfied!
“Braaaains… and booty! This ravenous revenant romeo’s insatiable hungering for human hanky-panky to devour whole. Care to embark on a romantic moonlit shuffle through the boneyard, share some scrumptious cerebrum tartare and indulge in some rot ‘n’ roll passion primordial style?
If you’ve got the stomach to handle this shambling stud muffin and an open mind for unconventional undead amore, sign on up for a feast of frolicking fleshly delights sure to haunt thy mortal days hereafter! Once you go corpse, living loins seem lacking, darling.
Fancy some decomposing debauchery with this moth-eaten Lothario? We’ll go at it all fugly and make a right mess of ourselves. Love knows no earthly bounds when you’re six feet under, my pet! So grab a shovel, dig up them duds for some down and dirty worm farm hanky-panky if you dare! The fresher, the friskier as far as this zombie’s concerned. We’ll make worms’ meat of each other till even the pallbearers holler. The pleasures of the grave needn’t go unexplored, me buxom beauties and comely cadavers!
Once this moldy romeo sinks his gnashers into your brains and lovelies, mortal matches won’t satisfy those curious cravings for long. Fancy some fleshpots with this freaky fright night Casanova? Let’s get reanimated, shamble on over to my love lair and make like it’s prom night at the morgue, baby!
The dead may never die…but we sure know how to multiply!”
8. Pixie Princess Seeks Playmates—Come Away, Come Away to Hidden Bowers Astray!
“Well, well, what have we here? A mortal morsel ripe for the plucking. This puckish pixie princess is on the prowl for willing prey to lead astray into realms of enchantment… and enticement.
Fancy a flight to the moon on wings of laughter light? I’ll show you secrets mortal maids have never glimpsed nor mortal men have never dreamed… if you dare follow where the Fairy Queen doth lead! (chirps enticingly) Who needs Tinkerbell when I’ll spray you silly with lust dust galore and work magic sure to leave you begging for more? (trills) Once ensnared in this web of fey delight, mortal meatsuits seem sore lacking. Fey fire cannot be quenched by mortal hands alone. (cackles)
Believe in powers that be and come away, come away to realms where sweet intoxication’s ripe as berries bursting! Let’s you and I make haste to hidden bowers and while away an age or three. (warbles) Time stands still when caught between a pixie’s wiles and smiles. I’ll lead you down the garden path to secret places overgrown, my pet.
Have you the mettle to handle tricks and treats that mortal ken has never known? The Fae keep passions mortal kind can only dream… until awakened by fairy kiss! (laughs merrily)
So if enchantment calls your name and you’re inclined to follow where delight doth lead astray, come get spellbound in this fairy glade. I’ll weave a web of wonder ’round thy mortal heart and keep thee as I may!
The Fae steal mortal souls, my dove… but pleasure’s always recompense enough. (trills enticingly)”
9. Prowling for Playmates Privy to Wilder Pleasures—Improvisation is Key!
“Well, aren’t you an interesting morsel! This metamorphic minx is prowling for playmates privy to life’s wilder pleasures… and open to improvisation. (purrs seductively)
Care to wander paths unknown where each encounter uncovers raptures yet uncharted? One eve you’ll bed a slinky sex kitten, the next morn wake twined in coils of sin. Delights and dangers in each kiss and claw… exploration has its thrills, if you’ve the backbone, pet.
With me you’ll scale sensual heights and plunder depths of passion primal as nature herself, protean as the shifting moon. Each morn a new and naughty dream to follow where the fit takes us! So throw that old ennui away and dance that gypsy soul of yours right into mine eager embrace! We’ll make each dusk a new adventure and each dawn awake in realms unknown. The only map I keep’s inscribed on thy willing flesh, true north the longing in thine eyes!
Think you’ve the mettle to handle a vixen who changes shape and mood as often as the weather? Mount if you dare this tigress fair, by morn be twined round ophidian charms beyond compare! Each night unveils delights to leave emperors and gods alike breathless in my snare.
(screeches wildly) Chaos spawns creation, mortal meatsacks—come taste infinity and leave mere mortal maidens to their dreary trodden trails! In constancy alone true joi de vivre lies. So gird your loins, my pets, the hunt begins tonight! What pleasures shall we seek, what havens shall we blight?
The world’s our oyster… if you’re game to pry the pearl from out its shell. (chuckles wickedly)”
10. Sin Incarnate Seeks Fresh Meat—Think You Can Handle the Heat?
“Well, well, look what we have here—fresh meat! This vivacious succubus is feeling frisky and on the prowl for playthings to lead into temptation. Care to trip the light fantastic where the flames burn hot and sins run rampant, darling?
Gaze into my eyes and glimpse naughty new vistas of pleasures and depravities mortal ken has never known! Let’s throw discretion to the wind, toss inhibition to the flames and indulge in carnal chaos till the Welkin rings and all of Hell demands an encore! They don’t call me “Sin Incarnate” for nothing, pet. I’ll show you just how sweet damnation can be when stoked to delectable extremes you never dreamed. Think you can handle the heat or will my fiery affections prove too scalding to withstand? This she-devil’s flames can never be quenched, only spread!
So just sign on the dotted line, my dear, and let Mistress Mayhem here bring you to heel. You’ll never know a dreary moment when caught between the rain of brimstone and my scalding passion’s hell-kissed kisses. Come get scorched in my loving embrace but don’t say Hell didn’t warn you, sugar! Lucifer’s got nothing on your tormentor here. Have at me if you dare, but I might never let you leave…”
And there you have it. Ten dating profiles of urban fantasy creatures who can’t get enough. Swipe left or right, the choice is yours…
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